Being a boy, one thing that I've picked up along the way, is that if a girl asks if a certain piece of clothing makes her look fat, you are supposed to never hesitate, smile and quickly say something like, "You look fantastic in that," or something along those lines. If you hesistate, or say the wrong thing, it could lead to a very long night of unhappiness. Now I believe that there are probably a handful of occasions where you should respond a certain way, NO MATTER WHAT, and with good reason. But for the other million times, I believe that we've gotten in a bad habit of not telling the complete truth, and holding stuff in. I believe that with a lot of stuff, lying or not telling the complete truth, although it might seem the best thing to do at the time, could actually lead to a major problem in the long run.

If you look at a lot of big fights that couples have, many times it is actually a bunch of little things built up over time that suddenly all come out at once. Sometimes we allow a bunch of little irritations to build up, until we finally just blow. These little irritations start as something small, but it begins to turn into bitterness or resentment. ANd these better and resented feelings usually lead to the worst fights. The best way to fix a huge fight or blowup is to prevent it. And I think the best way to do this is through complete honesty.

The problem is, is that sometimes we are afraid to be completely honest with the other person, because we don't want to hurt their feelings. And although this is a good thought to have, I think there is a balance. But sometimes when we avoid the truth, we allow the person to continue doing something that they think is ok, and that's when it starts to turn to bitterness. Lets use an example:

If my wife were to make me a squash pie and I absolutely hated it, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I told her that it was very yummy. Well in her mind, she thinks I love it, so she makes it again and again, with the same reaction from me. After finding different ways to discard the pie, or forcing myself to swallow it, after a while, I begin to resent the fact that she continues to make the squash pie that the dog wouldn't even eat. And although this is a silly example, see how easily it could happen with other things.

So how do you be completely honest, so as to not hurt your wife's feelings, but so she doesn't continue to make squash pie. The first thing that both people need to realize is that with some things in life, there are some things you can't control. I can't control who I find attractive or not attractive. I can't control what foods or drinks taste good or bad. Sometimes there are things we like or dislike, or things that bug or annoy us, or things that make us happy. So the first thing that both people need to do, is to not take everything personally. Don't get your feelings hurt just because you do or say something that the other person might not like. Now obviously this is a lot easier said then done sometimes. This might take some practice. But there are also certain ways to say things that can soften the blow, and there are ways that can totally rip the other person's heart out. One thing that I've learned in life is that BEFORE YOU POINT OUT ANY BAD, POINT OUT SOME GOOD. Before you tell her that her squash pie tastes like something a skunk threw up (Please don't really say this), tell her that you really love something else she cooks. Many times, by saying something good before we say something bad, we can deflect any negative feelings before they start. Now like I said, this is something that might be hard or slow at first, but a great habit to get into. That way, you don't get squash pie every thursday for the rest of your life.

A great way to prevent huge fights or bitterness early in a relationship or marriage, is to have weekly sitdowns and discuss what's been bothering you for the week. Have both people sit and write down things that maybe have been done or said this week that have bothered them. The things can be small or big. But write them down on paper. And have one person start, and say 2 things that you like about the person; something that they do really well or do a good job with. Like for example, "I love the fact that when you are done with your dishes, you rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. I also love the fact that you take the trash out everyday," or something that you really do like or appreciate that they do. And then take something that they do or said that bothered you. Start with, “I feel ______ when you do or say ______. Try not to say "angry" or "mad." For example, "I feel upset or It bothers me when you leave the toilet seat up." Or "It really hurts me when you call me lazy." When you start by saying, “I feel this way” it brings the focus on how you’re feeling, instead of pointing the finger at them and blaming them. This is important, because it's not you coming down on them, or hammering them for something they do, but it's trying to bring to light how you feel about a certain thing. The other person is not allowed to interrupt. They can't say anything until that person is done.

It is really crucial that both parties don't take things personally or get upset when they go through this. They need to remember that the person is just explaining how they feel. And once the action or words are brought out on the table, you can compromise and work for a solution. Maybe you just need to get something off your chest and let the other person know how you're feeling. Maybe it's something that you can work on overcoming, and not making such a big deal out of it. Or maybe it really is a big deal to you, and the other person needs to fix whatever they're doing. But the important thing is being honest, and working towards solutions. If you can work through problems, and share your feelings, you both feel better, and it brings you closer to each other, and prevents big fights from breaking out.