Have you ever seen that couple that seems so perfect. They seem so loving towards each other. In everything they do, the way they interact, they seem like the perfect couple. You wonder how in the world can they get along so well. But what you need to realize, is that every marriage has arguments. If you've been married for any length of time you have experienced it. You and your spouse are not the only one that disagrees on things. Every other couple has fights, and most of the time, it's about the same things you're fighting about. The difference in relationships, is the frequency of the arguments, and how calm or out of control the arguments get. You need to realize that small disagreements are healthy. We were created with different likes and dislikes. We have different passions. We were raised in different environments, with different values, beliefs, or maybe morals. Who we are today, is a result of the way we were raised. All of us have different ways of doing things. If you do everything in life your own way, there is no need for a partner. If we always get along, never tested, and never disagreed with out spouse, chances are, you'd never grow. It's ok to have different thoughts and views about things. But almost all of us handle them the wrong way most of the times.

The first thing you need to do before you cross paths on a certain view, is get rid of the word "fight," "argument," and "disagreement" when it comes to your spouse. When you hear the word "argument," it has a negative connotation with it. When you look up "disagreement" in the thesauras, you get a list of words that dont seem to go well with your spouse; "altercation," "spat," "clash," "feud," "conflict," and "vendetta" just to name a few. We automatically get on the defensive if we know that we're going to have an argument with someone. When we have an "argument" with our spouse, in our heads, it is is YOU versus THEM. It is YOUR ideas, YOUR problems, YOUR feelings, YOUR VIEWS, and YOUR wants or desires versus THEIRS. And whenever we take that stance, we feel that in the end, there is going to be one winner, and one loser. And it's no wonder why arguments get out of hand so many times in marriages-Our pride is at stake. No one likes to lose, and everyone likes to win. We always want things our way, and want to be in control of things.

When we go into an argument like this, we do it one of two ways. The first way, and the most harmful, is just as if we were going to war. We throw everything we have at the other person as if we were totally trying to destroy them, and by doing this, we ultimately do. We hurl all kinds of accusations, insults, past mistakes at them, to try and hurt them. Sure you may get some things off your chest, but the wounds you cause may never be healed, and the words you say, will never be forgotten. Why is it Why that we always say the most hurtful stuff to the people closest to us? We all have played out a conversation in our heads that we'd like to say to our boss or a coworker, but never actually went through with it. Yet, when it comes to our spouses, we seem to just let it fly in the heat of an argument. It seems that since we can't fight back or argue at school, work, or wherever else, we end up taking it out on our spouse, and they get the brunt of our anger.

The second way we go into an argument is we go in thinking it is like a courtroom. We present our cases, while trying to damage the other persons case. We focus on what we want and why, while at the same time presenting the problems with the other persons case. And although this approach isn't as hurtful and harmful as the other approach, it still isn't effective. We are so concerned with presenting our case, and trying to win the argument, that we don't give their feelings a second thought. We are so wrapped up in ourselves, that we don't care about the other person. If you're always out to change the other person before you look at yourself, then you will never take a step back and look at whether you should change.

If we have these attitudes when we disagree with our spouse, we will never win. It is not you versus them. You need to throw the word "argument" out of your dictionary when it comes to your spouse. You need to come up with a new word that signifies when you differ on something. Instead of using a negative word, use a positive word such as "compromise," "agreement," or "bargain." Call it a "nibble" or a "cookie," or make up a funny word like "lubber" or "jeeber." Whatever you do, changing the word to describe your difference can completely alter how you look at it. Or change the way you view "disagreement." Instead of YOU versus THEM, it should be viewed as YOU + COMPROMISE + THEM = HAPPY, or whatever. Since cookies are yummy, I'm going to use the word "cookie" instead of argument or disagreement on the rest of the page.

The second thing you need to do before you have a cookie is you have to know the rules. In any sporting event, boxing or wrestling match, or even in Ultimate Fighting there are rules. Even in the worst disagreements, when countries are at war with each other, there are still certain rules of war that all of the countries involved are supposed to follow. Yet for some reason, when we are married to someone we love and care about, we have no rules when it comes to having cookies. So the first thing you need to do before having a cookie, is to come up with some rules. You and your spouse need to sit down and come up with a list of rules that MUST be followed when a cookie develops. The rules need to be written down or typed out and placed somewhere easily accessible so they can be taken out when needed. These rules cannot be changed during a cookie and can't be broken. Here is a good list of rules to start out with. You can add to this list for your own.

2) Rules cannot be changed during a cookie

3) No bringing up the past (more then a week)

4) No yelling or raising of the voice

5) No name calling

6) No going to bed before things are settled

7) No cookies in front of the kids

8) No withholding sex or anything else

Maybe some cool down time before you talk is necessary. If you need to take 5 minutes before getting together to discuss things, or maybe one or both parties need to take a walk. But VERY IMPORTANT!!!! If you have a temper, then you need to fix it. There are NO exceptions. There are people who are going to say that they have a temper, that's just how they are, it's a part of who they are. And that makes about as much sense as me saying my favorite color is green because that's how I was born. Who we are, how we react and respond to things, and our personalities can all be changed. All of these things are the way they are because of choices we have made to get them that way. And just like we have trained ourselves to be the way we are now, we can untrain ourselves. Our personality is not static, it can change if we make it change. People that have a temper have gotten in the habit of letting their emotions get out of control and reacting to the situation instead of responding. You must not have a temper when dealing with a spouse or a loved one.

A third thing you can do when having a cookie is to come up with creative ways to work things out. Maybe have a dice, or draw something out of a hat on how to discuss the issue. A few examples could be:

2) You can't make statements, only questions

3) You Have to sing your argument

4) You can only talk in pig latin

Come up with some creative ways to discuss things, that kind of make things different, so it releases some tension, and isn't so serious. It's just an idea, it might not be for everyone. But it's very important that you work together to solve the issue. You must NEVER fight in bed, or go to bed mad or upset at each other. The bed is a very special place and should only be for sex or sleeping. People with televisions in their bedroom statistically have less sex then those people who don't have televisions in their bedroom. You should do your reading and watching tv somewhether other then in bed. And finally, you need to make sure that there are no built up or harbored feelings. You should communicate regulary so that a real argument doesn't break out because of bitterness of something built up. Read the "Brutally Painful Honesty" for more information.